prefer not to be the fool

I was asked today, rather spontaneously, if I liked surprises.

out of habit, I answered without thinking: "YES!"

and then... my brain caught up with my mouth.

and all that was running through my head was "uh, actually, I prefer not to be the fool."

I hate being the last to know about something. I hate to be excluded.

and, come to think of it, I don't know if I've ever been properly surprised before, so how do I know if I like surprises or not?

sure, I've been surprised in the "EGADS! you just popped around the corner and I nearly peed my pants from fright!" way and the "ooh I didn't expect you to get me a present! how nice!" way.

but I've never been surprised in the "I'm going to tell you that you have a surprise coming your way... and then not tell you what it is" way.

and I've decided that it's aggravating.

because you learn way too much about yourself in those moments waiting for your surprise.

I've decided that the only way to come out of this scenario without being let down, due to excessive contemplation over what the surprise could be, is to act like nothing is ever going to happen.

because, for all I know, they're just yanking my chain. and frankly, I probably don't deserve a surprise anyway.

liberated

a coroner kneels beneath a great, wooden crucifix. He knows there's worse things than being alone.

I do not read the reviews.

No, I am not singing for you.

let's not shit ourselves (to love or be loved)

Bright Eyes

abandoning blueprints

can I say it?

that I'm happy with who I've become

can I scream it?

that I'm ready to keep on growin'

then why is it?

Why is it? that no one is listening?

the hammer hits the nail but it has no effect:

"This is Me."

they ignore it. and swivel in place, giving a false sense of motion. but, like screws, they just bore themselves farther in, until their eyes are level with the facade.

I should have realized sooner that I do not need permission--

I have never needed permission--to change,

regardless of the blueprints.

who would ever want to be king?

good question.

we'll soon find out

but they might not understand after

release'''

skyward